Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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