We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
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I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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