You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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