Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
