I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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