Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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