This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
