How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
