I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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