i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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