I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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