atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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