I CAN MOONWALK!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
