I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
