Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday