I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
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I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20