i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
