I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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