There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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