Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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