We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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