Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
