my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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