i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
