I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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