Fine. I'll sleep in my office
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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