I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
