talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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