dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
