Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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