so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
