Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize