I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
