I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
