You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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