so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
