they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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