I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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