just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
