Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
