she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
