On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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