That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
