mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
