for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
