Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just had sex on a roof
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
