I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
