Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
