Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
