He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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