Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
