Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
