i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
